SO WOW! it has clearly been a little over 3 weeks since i’ve written a love letter to you! if you’re just tuning in, the purpose of these blog posts is really just to update anyone and everyone about an ongoing project i’m working on that is entirely inspired my by life and experience on earth up to this point! however, i am completely reserving the right i was born with to just be human and confess that i haven’t even had a single second to breathe or even turn my laptop on! these past couple of weeks have been wild, busy, exhausting, wonderful, high and low! lots of new experiences, connection and growth for sure.
this post will be a little bit more of a life update rather than a project update because in all honesty, my mind has been far too distracted to get any meaningful work done. it sucks to say but it’s the truth! the most i’ve even jotted down in the last couple weeks include my march affirmations (i try to make a list at the beginning of each month) and some silly stream of consciousness bullshit i anxiously typed in my phone while i was sitting in my (no longer) counseling service’s waiting room.
i will most definitely be dedicating an entire blog post to the importance and awareness of mental health in the very near future.
i know that creative blocks are entirely normal and usually pop up when you don’t expect it (sometimes when it’s least convenient). even as i type this i don’t really know how to form the words in my brain to articulate whatever it is i am trying to get across to you. it’s so messed up because i feel like i understand things so abstractly and i’ve recently realized how confusing that can be not only for others, but for myself. i’ve gone through a lot of long growth process in learning how to say what i mean/mean what i say and still every single day i am practicing this with hopes of getting better and better at doing so! creative blocks have affected me in many detrimental ways in my past, that even still as i have learned (somewhat) how to move forward in the confusion, i get stuck or caught up in the idea of not doing or sharing enough with the world. i don’t know where the expectation of always having to display different parts of myself/my thoughts come from, it really only recently popped up in the recent years of my teenage-kid(adult)hood years but whatever. i suppose it just feels like it’s the most honest version of myself when i’m able to share whatever’s on my mind + i strongly dislike keeping things from myself and you. anyway, that is why yoohoo!!!! here i am!!!! writing this without much direction, because it’s been weeks and you may be like, ‘wowwww where the hell is kaylah?’ or maybe you haven’t noticed, who knows (or cares??? anyone???)!
the worst kind of creative block for me is the one where i can’t express myself visually or verbally and those rarely happen but then bam they just do! i think this happens more so when my brain goes on sensory overload and i know for sure that’s what i am currently going through now because there have been so many changes in my mindset since the last time i checked in with you. changes in direction of life decisions, (LEGIT) endings to old (and familiar) habits and friendships/relationships, hard decisions being made (is this what growing up really is?). i tend to isolate myself when i can’t deal with all of the madness that is my brain and something that i’ve noticed about this most recent phase is that i’m beginning to care less about accommodating others and more about what i can do to take care of myself. i’ve really always been someone who cares soooo much about how other people are feeling and would often neglect my own needs and wants because of that overwhelming feeling of “needing” every thing to always be okay!!! news flash and note to self for a later date: most of the time every thing is not always okay!!! and guess what!!! that’s TOTALLY okay! pressure is heavy, isn’t it?
so to put it simply: these past few weeks have felt never-ending! i made a huge first step in regards to how seriously i value my own artwork and was involved in a majorly awesome event called GIRLS BLOCK where i discussed and sold my work to passerby’s walking through the streets of cola! it was such an outer body experience to realize that people were actually fascinated with the ideas behind my illustrations and even wanted to buy them. i don’t know exactly why i haven’t ever valued my own work in the ways that i value other artists work, i suppose it’s because i really had to wake up to the fact that what i offer to the world is entirely and authentically my own. no one can copy me! no one has my life experience on the face of this planet! it felt scary to come out in the world where the internet is so huge, easy to connect through and even draw inspiration from. it felt intimidating to want to share something that is my own and i felt a lot of fear and self-loathing for reasons that now seem silly to me. i am so truly honored for the experience and unity that catherine and kati brought to life in such an upcoming, yet naturally underground scene. thank you both for giving me the time of day, for seeing my vision and loving me and my works of art in the ways that you do! i am forever grateful for such incredible women in my life! and to all the ladies, gents and human beings in general that came out to support me and ask all the complex questions: THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES, A BILLION TIMES OVER! you have catapulted me into a space in my mind that feels so full of faith and belief in myself that i can’t even explain the joy that is radiating from my being right now! it’s taken a couple of weeks to fully process what that day did for me and so many other creatives around me, and i am still processing as i type this. thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!
as far as some other changes in my current life situation, i’ve been working a new job that i feel really happy and at peace with! after moving back to my “hometown” a few months later than expected, i really kinda just sat with myself and had some personal down time and space to not have a job and really work more on my creativity and what it meant to really care for myself and at times, it felt very depressing that i wasn’t working. i can’t tell if that’s because we’re all living in a time (and country/state of mind) where if we aren’t working every single day or creating enough content, we aren’t doing enough for ourselves and others. there’s this mentality where there’s always more money to be made, always more collaborations to be worked on and while i know we’re all out here trying to get by, survive, and maintain relationships with other beings, i feel like sometimes we all just need to take a step or three back from it all and just work with ourselves. sit in the lack of comfort that we feel, get to know those scary and vulnerable parts of ourselves that maybe other people have never truly experienced with our own selves. i never really understood the phrase “no one knows you better than you know you” growing up and i think that’s because i was so concerned and involved with other people that i genuinely felt that it wasn’t true, because at a time i really didn’t feel like i knew myself better than other people knew me. i think maybe you or someone you know might relate to that on a personal level but it’s pretty embarrassing and unfortunate to admit… and really just whatever, i’m used to admitting all kinds of stupid weirdo things!
with all of that being said, i am also experiencing life in a way where i’ve learned (in the hardest of ways) to let go of something that has been a part of my daily routine for quite some time. days, weeks, months and years to be exact. i just kinda up and quit it and decided i needed to do it for myself and focus a little bit more on how i can clarify a few things in my life and calling it quits sometimes is the only way we can ever really get shit done as human beings! i’ve had a few mental breakdowns here and there, but hey, what is being 22 without a few of those? many of you who know me and are reading this probably know what i’m talking about, but to keep at least a shred of mystique here i’m gonna leave the gory details about it out of this letter and just write about it in my upcoming book instead! a major part of my project “IN BETWEEN EVERY THING” will have a lot to do with this topic so if you’re wondering what all this nonsense is about, stay tuned on the release date of that! who knows when, just keep checking back in with me and we’ll eventually hopefully figure it out.
anyway, this is really just a rant blog to kinda let you know that i’m still on earth and living, working hard towards more creative and financial freedom and really just doing all that i can to be a more wholesome and present person. in whatever way it wants to present itself and all its parts to me, life is just kinda occurring, ebbing and flowing. things have been happening, not all good, great or bad, just kinda happening. i believe that’s what most would call ‘growth’. i’m grateful for each and every day i wake up and that is something i’ve been thinking about often and through out my days most recently. there are just so many reasons to be thankful that i have survived and pulled through some of the shit that i’ve been through and i couldn’t be happier! i mean i could, but really what is happier than however happy we currently are? like why are we always trying to climb this imaginary ladder of success and happiness? is it actually real? i’ve never seen it! one thing i request and leave with you today is to try and work harder on releasing different pressures on yourself through out the week! the most pressure put on us is most likely put there by ourselves and i wanna really let people know (including myself) that we can all do so much better on relaxing and taking care of our mind, body and soul! there’s so much we can do that we just seem to not be doing enough or even at all. it’s special and important. just like you.
i love you, i am here for you.
thank you for taking the time to breathe and open up with me, thank you for caring enough to read these words that sometimes feel so pointless and strange to me. thank you for giving me feedback and checking in to say hey, thank you for inspiring me.
peace + luv (always), k
[p.s. in my next post i will be getting a little personal about some new excerpts from my book and an experience i’ll be attempting to work through and conquer this week. it’s gonna be a rough one to write out but i’m fully intending to put the pen to paper and write it all out so you can better familiarize yourself with the appearance and style of my writing. the intention of releasing my book is a big deal to me and i wanna warn you now that zero parts of it have been influenced whatsoever by grammatically correct sentences, phrases or even spelling. it’s all just kinda coming together in a jumbled up ball of mess, so if you aren’t really interested in deciphering my messy brain, this will kinda be a test run to see if you’ll even be interested in reading the actual book itself. thanks again for giving a damn! xx]