each time i come back to this space, it seems like i land at the doorstep of all my issues going on in every day life and just pat myself on the back because i made it here. FINALLY. the inconsistencies of my writing you have been caused by a strange fluctuation of mental blocks that i’ve been experiencing since the end of march/beginning of april. it’s been several weeks since i’ve really done much of anything (aside from the occasional hanging out with friends) other than coming/going to/from work, coming home and eating my feelings because i’m stressed. it’s felt hard to breathe, hard to meditate, hard to tap into my own self. i’ve written a little here and there, snapped a few photographs.. i also went on a brief, yet wonderful road trip up north! even still, there seems to be a lack of presence in my habits and mind overall and it’s because i’ve been learning how to sit with some of the pain and confusion i’ve encountered over the past weeks. pain feels difficult to balance lately because it seems like other aspects of life have been more necessary to prioritize. it just feels like what’s best at the moment although i know not too deep down that it’s just going to continue to fester until eventually it either explodes or worse– implodes.
i’ve come back a few times to this post, sitting here and staring at the red dot in the corner next to the word ‘unpublished’. i feel mostly defeated by the amount of time i’ve allowed to come in between my last blog post and this blog post that i will eventually finish. in real time, i just have to say that wow, these past few months have been incredibly challenging in the ways that i have grown to know myself better. not every thing i am learning is something i like, not every thing i’m learning am i most certainly proud of. talking about the tribulations i’m facing don’t exactly feel pointless, but exhausting to say the least. i never want to stop talking though! i always want to communicate, especially when it feels most difficult to do.
it’s the middle of JUNE, it’s hot and every thing feels unfinished/on the brink. i am just deciding to post a few notes and pieces of writings that i’ve written since the beginning of MAY. there has always been a very instinctual hesitance about me and i’m still trying to get to the underlying meaning of this realization. it’s not that i’m afraid to share myself or my thoughts, perhaps its sharing it and feeling wrong about it, feeling like it isn’t enough to feel– like it’s unworthy. so i’m just going to do it now, because with being hesitant about some things, i am almost always spontaneous in everything that i do, think or feel. spontaneous and inconsistent. here’s all of it. talk soon.