hello again! just checking back in with you for a lil update and hoping that your breath is flowing easily today. it’s important! make sure to remind yourself to breathe every once in a while, as often as possible even, if you can. there’s a lot of residual energy i’m feeling today from the full moon a couple nights ago, so gathering my thoughts feels just slightly difficult at the moment cuz of the disorienting state of mind i’m in. bear with me :)
some thing i’m feeling very thankful for this week is the gift of ability (that feels like it has just seemingly appeared inside of me)! i’ve been recognizing, empathizing, manifesting, forgiving, understanding, AND escalating with my mind! it has been one of the most rewarding feelings so far in this bizarre journey of discovery and acceptance of the self. i’ve officially decided to share the title of the project that i am working on, and this is a big deal for me because i’ve been working on this project physically, mentally and emotionally now for about 4 whole years. i honestly didn’t even mentally realize how long it has been until more recently because there’s just been so many people, places and things that have happened in between then and now. i’m in between time and self (all things really) and that is why (weak ass drumroll plz) my project will be titled “IN BETWEEN EVERY THING” …!!!!!
it’s really difficult to wrap my mind around this very moment as i am typing this, because i never really even dreamed of being able to be THIS transparent with you and the rest of the universe. it feels very emotional and frightening even, because i know there is much evidence as to why every thing has led up to this specific moment, yet i can’t really remember all of it unless i’m creating about it (lil scary but i’ll deal, i’m working thru it). i’ve been so submerged in my own past, present and future all at once that my mind just feels at peace in a very mindless state when i create. i tune out to tune back in. there are so many new and beautiful things that are unfolding before me: an abundance of opportunity in my creative efforts, off the wall friendships and deep connection in current relationships, understanding and peace with my past and present… it’s all deciding to come together now and i really believe it’s because i hit the bottom of the rock beneath rock bottom through out these past several years. way far beyond rock bottom. a place of darkness, resentment, neglect of self, pretending, keeping myself from others, keeping others from myself and others. hurt was becoming my friend and we slept together, ate together… hurt practiced with me, i couldn’t get rid of it.
when i finally decided that all of the scribbles, collages, ancient photographs, words, drawings and mementos of these memories needed some place to go, i couldn’t even imagine where and how i would collect the stamina to follow through with something as big as this. basically, this project is my entire life!!!! past, present, and future – but there is no linear order of the three. i am exposing myself, my experience, my work before you because it is all i have to offer this world now and forever. my truth. i am curious as i realize that all of this will just eventually be out in the open for anyone to see and feel about, for anyone to connect with or disconnect with. it makes this process so much more beautiful for me, not really knowing entirely who this will touch. just knowing that it’s mine to give away, and i feel very deeply for it.
all of this is very much so a conversation with myself as you’ll soon discover if you haven’t already, and i feel very lucky to be able to share these thoughts that are floating in and out of my mind on a daily basis. releasing my work into the world feels very much like meditation in motion– it’s not going to not be challenging, it’s gonna feel sore sometimes but i’ll keep going. using my breath is what’s allowing me to get through all of this with myself and you. all the people in my life that have contributed to my work and memories in whatever way… all the strangers i’ve fallen in love with through a still in my mind, the people i can only ever see in my dreams now because that’s the only time i’ll remember their face. the eyes, noses and lips in the box full of photographs i keep tucked away. the bodies and the hair. the feelings every where. all the places i’ve been to and never been, the textures of the world around us– the cobblestone roads, the gravel in the too full parking lots, the electric wires wrapped around the sky. all of the ground i’ve ever walked on. walls that never end, shape that doesn’t bend. it will all be in here…
here’s to conversation and being where you are fully! below you’ll find a list of my february affirmations (written with some galpals under the moonlight a few days ago) as well as some memories and words that i’m sitting with today. my next post will focus on several different questions (how? why? WHEN? where?), sneak peak collages, and lists surrounding the ideas and reasoning behind “IN BETWEEN EVERY THING” so stay tuned for that! i am still trying to figure out the technicalities of how i will continue to schedule my posts. not sure if i wanna write a few entries a week or just stick to one big entry… we shall see. either way, i am honored to be seen by you, all of my love is for you, please be well.
peace and luv, k