I CANNOT BELIEVE that it has only been a week since i left the southeast. officially! yay! now, in the southwest where i will be for a little bit it some way, some how, feels slow. slower than savannah. slower in a good way though? i feel like these last seven or so months have been so entirely full of mental, emotional and physical isolation that certain parts of my integral being started to decompose. naturally, i mean i am pregnant during a pandemic and it has not been easy with all that’s been happening since the beginning of this year. lots of curve balls thrown this way, thankfully we’ve had support surrounding us and we’ve managed most of it in the best ways we can. i must give myself more credit, the people that i love and love me back are always reminding me of this. when i say decompose though i don’t mean that my integral being is disappearing… i mean i can still feel that i am all here and there, i just hadn’t felt quite connected or motivated to really do much of anything. perhaps it’s my energy levels fluctuating? hormones? definitely anxiety. either way, savannah was 100% draining me and 100% part of the problem. i wasn’t meant to stay there for as long as i did, cooped up in that tiny carriage house with only four windows…that became a claustrophobic space very early on in the mid-spring days of 2021. but then life probably would have turned out a lot different. i don’t like thinking about what life would be like if it were different from today, i feel so lucky and in love with the choices i’ve made and it’s taken me a little while to get here, so i’m clinging to it as i should be.
i think and wonder about how much i have romanticized events, emotions, relationships, people…places…material objects, the list goes on and on… throughout my early adulthood. as if what i’ve gone through was meant to be, a part of myself and my story. sure. of course it all is, but to what extent? maybe my brain is rewiring, who knows. i do look back through my writings and work, photographs, collages… and wonder what the fuck i was thinking? why was i putting up with some of that shit?! why was i around that person or place so often, why did i give so much of my time and effort to something somewhere or someone that ultimately just became an identity with no name on a piece of paper in my notebook? i guess this is a part of my integral being that is deciding to grow up a bit, take things at face value sometimes and remind myself to pay closer attention to staying present, to learn how to maintain my own reality. i used to have this issue with living in the past too deep somewhere inside of my head, then i struggled a bit too much with being present, definitely to a fault. a time where i just kinda did what i wanted with no repercussions, taking no accountability for myself or what i was actually doing, allowing myself to experience things that were entirely unnecessary. i’d say currently i am now teetering in between the present and future, mainly wanting to just be here with myself and my thoughts, take one step at a time, day by day. anxiety is causing me to worry a bit too much about the future that may be written by someone, somewhere but hasn’t been fulfilled yet, nothing feels predictable and that frightens me but also excites me in a hopeful way. i smell growth around my corner, i’ve been smelling it all these months. i am getting bigger, my mind, my body, my soul.
finally, i am settling into my new space, both physically and mentally and it feels good. i feel patient for the first time in a long time, at least with myself. i want to dedicate more time to myself these last 9 weeks and create time and space for myself to write things down, continue and complete projects and prepare in all the ways for this new new new journey that’s burgeoning ahead of me. i really hope i can hang on to parts of myself that are most important when she arrives, i really have never felt so all consumed by a life so little but BIG and new, entirely dependent on me and my own health, mood, energy. i know that love and consumption will only grow stronger when she’s here. till then, here’s one of my last writings in savannah. i see now that even the space that i lived in wasn’t all so great… lots of beauty, lots of beast. lots of things i wouldn’t negotiate or settle for if i knew then what i know now. it feels so good to have separated from that space, to let go and accept the oxymoron that it was to live inside of those walls, in those freezing cold floors of the frigid bathroom with the window always open.
everything is different now.
peace, luv + light,