THE NEWEST BEGINNING

–thoughts from the younger days of december. i keep delaying this entry in hopes that i will find a better way to articulate these feelings, but nothing else comes to mind when i have the chance. this is just what it is and how it feels some days, other days are different. the multifaceted beauty and disaster of the human psyche, all the thoughts that linger and float in and out of the stream of my consciousness. i amaze myself.–

xx k

i don’t even know where to begin. as december comes to a soft yet, turbulent end i feel like this year of being 25 has been the crux of my entire life and every thing that will ever happen furthermore will be because of this brand new big girl decision i decided to make with someone else. to be as honest with myself as i possibly can be is a goal i am working towards tirelessly. each day. and with that being said, most days i have no idea what the fuck i am doing. a lot of times these feelings fluctuate, some days i am better at hiding myself from me than others. but i just do it, mostly it feels right, it feels inherent. other days i notice that for however many amount of days, maybe i’ve been floating idle… maybe on autopilot and begin to notice a funky weight in my step that wasn’t obvious moments or days that came before. i was stepping along just fine until i stumble, where i just wake up and feel the need to change something, my mind maybe. 

this time, my mind cannot be changed. the things i’ve chosen to commit to and then all together stop simply because i felt like it, i can’t do that anymore. i won’t. perhaps this blog has been my very own public collection of all the things i hoped to share and then decided last minute that’s not something this place called the internet really deserves to spectate on. and to me that does feel like a kind of failure, although i know i owe absolutely nothing. i used to be so good at sharing, confident even, and now i find myself afraid to. afraid to expose too much because every single thing is changing, and it always has been, yet i am now afraid more than ever of the way that i fit into that equation. i guess this might be my first time feeling troubled with documenting my own experiences and sharing them. will this new beginning help me understand myself more? help me cope with this new feeling of unputogetherness in solitude and the way change has always been my weakest link? i think paranoia has so much to do with the way i sometimes deal with vulnerable moments that scare me into submitting into my darker thoughts. i think paranoia is the enemy of change and presence… so i’m learning each and every day to let go and trust in the universe as i always have. every thing has worked out the way it was intended to this far… so, trust. trust.

with me learning to let go and just trust these last five months, i’ve learned to appreciate all of the little things again. to take care of myself in ways that became a distant memory. i started sleeping regularly and actually getting full nights of rest, eating so many meals of so many different varieties of food, hydrating all the time. nothing outrageous, right? just basic necessity that i became negligent in. for what? for work? anxiety? experimental youth? i’ve began feeling more comfortable in my own skin and imperfections, letting my body do what it wants, grow the way it is supposed to and be the vessel that it is rather than wanting to remain small, feeble like i was. soberness for six whole months has been such an eye opening and clarifying experience. clarity for once! clear headedness, a distant cousin twice removed. my mind is usually made up these days, i take time to make informed decisions while watching my indecisiveness wither away into a distant memory. i can sit with myself. i feel sure for the first time in so long. i have really felt so blissful in this new sense of acceptance. that i know i have no idea what to expect or even what i’ll do next, but will continue to learn and love like i never have before. all the other stuff just stacks behind this massive love. i feel my heart expanding, my body expanding, my capability to care and nurture–expanding. i know there’s so much new about this journey into motherhood. these will be the most precious and intimate moments of my human experience, experiences i can’t even imagine, no matter how bright or dim they might be. they will be mine and they will be new. there will be so much to know about this brand new person that has pieces of me all tangled in their genetic code, pieces of their gorgeous father, pieces of themselves…and they will be the greatest teacher i will ever have. the reason i wake up in the morning and go to bed at night. my full circle.

recently, i’ve needed a new way to track the growth of my belly in a quicker way than snapping shots in film. so i bought this cute, shitty digital camera and have taken a photo every other day or so to see how much bigger i am getting. i cannot believe this, this precious little life that is growing bigger and stronger every day inside of me. i’ve never loved like this, i never will. i’ve never loved myself more for being so capable of carrying her little soul with me, watering her like the little flower she is until she’s ready to say hello to the world. it is truly a marvel what women can do, how our bodies are built to handle and maintain. without even knowing exactly how it’s happening, it just is.

to put it plainly: through new twinges of pain and wobbly health leading (and hopefully settling out) into january, i have learned to understand and accept the ebbs and flows of what carrying bliss will be like moving forward. i genuinely thought i was going to have a perfect pregnancy, no hospital visits, no crazy hormonal breakdowns, no nothing. i don’t know why i thought this way, perhaps my naivety to the whole baby idea, i mean i am practically still a baby myself. or so i think. it really gives bliss a new meaning for me, that is for certain. my little angel is snuggled away inside of me and out here, outside of myself i am experiencing things that pregnant women experience. preparing mentally, emotionally and physically for all the hard work that motherhood employs. so pain: i can work through you. i can accept and empathize with you, you’re really just another feeling to learn from in this life and you will eventually deliver me my greatest accomplishment. my daughter. 

with all of the bizarreness of the beginning of 2022, i shouldn’t be surprised that a lot is happening in a very little amount of time, so much movement and transition. stress, really. i am leaving a city i lost and found myself in and moving to a place where more support and stability will be provided during the early months of being a mommy. my body is recovering from a temporary surgical procedure and i’ll be healing for the next three months so i can enjoy the rest of this pregnancy thing like i was before the month of december. so ready for what’s next and all that i will face in the future, ready to let go of the current place and state of mind i am in and embrace newness, new air, new scenery and roads to drive along. ready to meet new people and lay on new grass. ready to be outside somewhere else. so, here we go.

peace, luv, light

kay